Movie quotes-God

Ray, next time someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!”
- Ghostbusters

Sarcastic quotes-Youth following

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber."
-David Letterman

Hilarious quotes-NBA Championship

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did."
-Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-Snowmobilers

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic."
- Jimmy Kimmel

Hilarious jokes-From a Monkey

It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.

Sarcastic quotes-Mark Zuckerberg's private photos

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them.
- Conan O'Brien

Political quotes-Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months.

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, "I mean what I say." Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye.
-Conan O'Brien

Hilarious quotes-Less to do

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

Movie quotes-So stupid

People are so stupid I can’t bear to be around them anymore.”
- Imaginary Heroes

Humor quotes-Whatever

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was "whatever." Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: "Whatevsies."
- Jimmy Fallon

Political quotes-New leader of North Korea

It's been reported that Kim Jong Il's son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine.
- Conan O'Brien

Humor quotes-Be nice

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Political quotes-Arab leaders

''Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, 'Why is a woman talking?'''
-Conan O'Brien

Political quotes-Hallucination pills

Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.''
-Conan O'Brien

Movie quotes-Sweater Monkeys

Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys.”
- Bring it On

Political quotes-Mitt Romney

"Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.''
-Jimmy Kimmel

Movie quotes-Comic relief

Maybe you’re the plucky comic relief.”
- Galaxy Quest

Hilarious movie quotes-Behind the guy

"This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”
- Swingers

Hilarious quotes-Funerals

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

Sexual quotes-Good lover

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
- Woody Allen