Hilarious quotes-NBA Championship

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did."
-Jimmy Fallon

Sarcastic quotes-The world's oldest dog

The world's oldest dog has passed away in Japan at the age of 26 years and 8 months. What really makes it unusual is that in Japan dogs are usually eaten way before that.

Funny thoughts-Practical joke

Centuries ago the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012. How do we know that wasn't just some wild and crazy Mayan guys at a party pulling a practical joke?

Hilarious jokes-From a Monkey

It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.

Political jokes-Obama re-elected

In the event Obama does get re-elected in 2012 what would he actually do for the next four years? The only thing he knows how to do effectively as President is run for office and he can't run again in 2016.

Sarcastic quotes-Mark Zuckerberg's private photos

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them.
- Conan O'Brien

Hilarious quotes-Less to do

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

Political quotes-Generating enthusiasm

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull."
-Conan O'Brien

Political quotes-Endorsement of Newt Gingrich

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble.
-Jay Leno

Movie quotes-So stupid

People are so stupid I can’t bear to be around them anymore.”
- Imaginary Heroes

Humor quotes-Whatever

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was "whatever." Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: "Whatevsies."
- Jimmy Fallon

Humor quotes-Be nice

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Movie quotes-Sweater Monkeys

Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys.”
- Bring it On

Famous people quotes-No sin

There is no sin except stupidity.
- Oscar Wilde

Movie quotes-Comic relief

Maybe you’re the plucky comic relief.”
- Galaxy Quest

Famous people quotes-My own way

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
- Margaret Thatcher

Hilarious movie quotes-Behind the guy

"This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”
- Swingers

Sexual quotes-Nothing

"A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."
- Phyllis Diller

Hilarious quotes-Funerals

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

Sexual quotes-Good lover

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
- Woody Allen